Most men and women will have an idea or image of their perfect partner, with anything outside of this being classed as a compromise or more realistic. Regardless of whether we believe the person we truly desire is actually out there, it’s very likely we’ll compare the one we meet today with the one in our minds. It may seem futile and unfair to have the real people we meet compete with figments of our imagination, but actually if more of us knew how to do it properly, we might reap more rewards.
While there’s no hard and fast rule to finding your perfect match, there are some behaviours and thought processes that will undoubtedly hinder your progress. If finding ‘the one’ is proving difficult, it’s worth taking the below points into consideration.
Your relationship with yourself
The number of single people who attempt to find happy, healthy relationships without first learning how to be happy and healthy individuals, is quite staggering. Whether we like it or not, in life we attract the type of people that we either a) most have something to learn from or b) are a match to what we’re projecting out into the world. Ultimately, we are all ‘the one’ for someone else, so it’s crucial we also do the self-work we’d like our partners to do. If you seek love from an already confident, grounded and emotionally stable mindset, you make better and healthier relationship choices. When looking for Mr or Mrs Right, aim for someone to share your life, not to complete it.
Your relationship blueprint
We all have a preference, it’s simply our level of attachment to it that will vary. If finding your perfect match follows a very specific set of criteria and this criteria has not yet yielded promising results, it’s helpful to look at the selection blueprint you’re using. Take this practical example; if you’re trying to build a house and the walls keep collapsing, rather than repeatedly replacing them, wouldn’t it make more sense to investigate the foundations? Now transfer this to relationships. It may be imperative to you that your partner has blond hair and you are of course entitled to this preference. In this case however, you must also accept that your true match, the person who could genuinely make you happy, might be the brunette you’re automatically dismissing. Be accountable and make sure to ask yourself if this risk is okay. If it’s not, expand your blueprint.
As mentioned at the start, comparing the people you meet with your ideal mental picture can be an extremely worthwhile exercise, when you learn to do it properly. People however, generally make two mistakes here, the first being that they focus heavily on what they don’t want. They don’t want someone who is too short, too emotional, too complicated or who reminds them of their ex, the list goes on. The problem with this line of thinking is that the minute a potential partner displays one of your ‘don’t want’ criteria, you write them off, even if they fulfil 97% of your must-haves. Be mindful of this. We attract the things we focus on, so focus more on the boxes someone does tick and then decide if this outweighs the ones they don’t.
The second mistake people make is that they’re not specific enough about what they do want. Imaging, for example, that your ideal partner is always smiling and happy is not enough. What is it that makes them happy, being surrounded by people, being alone at home with you, playing with the children? If you’re going to create the ideal partner in your mind, give them clear attributes. It makes them a lot easier to recognise when they do show up in your life, despite any initial doubts you may have about them.
Article commissioned by elite match making service Berkeley International