Daily Archives: March 5, 2016

When The Date is Over

There’s a lot of information and advice written about how to find a date, where to have it, what to wear, how to present yourself or how to behave.  Yet sometimes, the most difficult part is none of those things.  It’s after a date that a lot of people can experience nervousness, usually stemming from uncertainty about what to do next.  What you do after the main event is over can be as important, if not more so, as what you do before and during.

Regardless of whether you consider your date a success or a failure, it’s always possible to have a post-date plan of action.  The great thing about this, is it means you always have a check point, one that stops you getting carried away or motivates you to be honest about your needs going forward. Our feelings are such strong drivers of how we behave, that leaving them to their own devices after a date doesn’t always play out well.

Don’t be ruled by your emotion

Sure, dating can be a very, very emotional adventure and even though we may not like to admit it, it’s a process that can leave us vulnerable.  When we arrange to go on a date, we’re openly admitting to the world that there’s a space in our life yet to be filled. Not everyone is comfortable doing this and after a date a couple of things can happen.

The first is that, joy of joys, the date went fabulously and we come away feeling the person we needed has arrived, that we have the answer we’ve been looking for and anything beyond this is mere detail.  It’s a wonderful feeling to have and we must enjoy it, but prematurely pinning all your hopes onto one person after one date, is dangerous to your emotions.  It is better where possible, to be thankful that there are people out there like this that do exist, not that you have met the only one. Use it to renew your faith in dating and not as reason to begin a plan of relocation or marriage.

The second thing that can happen is either your feelings aren’t reciprocated or the date doesn’t go so well and you slide the other way into anger or disillusionment.  This is really the more damaging of the two because it can introduce negative energy into your dating life, which may follow you into your next experience.  Whatever goes wrong or is a disappointment, always remind yourself of why you went on the date in the first place.  Do you still need or want that thing?  If yes, then you must create a plan in which self-pity, swearing off the opposite sex or general rebellion, is time-limited.  It might include watching a movie to unwind, listening to a song to reboot your motivations or simply exercising to burn energy.  Whichever you choose, it needs to be swiftly followed by some sort of action to keep your dating mojo fun and progressive, whether that’s changing your profile or being clearer about your needs.

Stick to your values

When a date is a success people can sometimes become so over excited that their relationship values and what they require long term from a partner flies straight out the window.  Compromises are made too soon and the wrong version of your ultimate relationship goal is communicated.

Let’s take an example; if as a woman it’s important that a man show interest before you reciprocate and that he be the dominant party, then after a date you may not wish to immediately initiate texting with times and locations of your next availability. Likewise for a man, if you want a woman who appreciates a slower pace of dating, then bombarding her with calls and texts the same night is going to set a precedent you may find difficult to maintain.

What you set into motion after date one is just as important to the course of your future relationship as anything else.  Don’t underestimate the power of a post-date strategy.

Article commissioned by elite match making service Berkeley International

Are you losing the competition against yourself?

 

There are many high-flying women out here who believe success revolves around taking one’s place within previously male dominated arenas. That it means getting the same roles, earning the same pay, being afforded the same or better opportunities for growth. With this, the collective advancement of our mindset has been extraordinary, achieving positions now that a few generations ago would have seemed impossible. This is undoubtedly overdue for us, but amidst our progress as a sex, how much are we paying attention to its impact on the individual? How, amongst the triumph stories and inspirational talks, do we stop from losing a core message that will serve us in all areas of our life, not just business? The message that yes, as a sex we are competent and capable of anything, and not that yes, as a sex we are competent and capable as men.

 

From a young age human beings are introduced to the concept of competition. Pre-school might have us intent on drawing the best picture or being the quietest at storytime. As we move forwards into school, it becomes about who’s fastest in gym or top of the class academically. Finally, we’re onto our careers and it’s now about being first in line for promotion or the most successful entrepreneur in our field. Of course it doesn’t stop there, our need to be better than others or at least equal to, also extends the rivalry into our friendships and family lives. As exhausting as it sounds, it’s true that a little competition can be healthy, but when one continually focuses on external motivations instead of internal inspiration, it’s not. It’s then that we create the perfect breeding ground for disharmony between our feelings and our ambitions.

 

The ‘lack mindset’

Constantly viewing yourself in comparison to, or in competition with, someone else implies that there can only be one type of win and space only for one winner. With this develops a belief that there simply isn’t enough to go around; not enough wealth, accolades, clients, time, press, recognition, *enter as appropriate*. Surely, with the amount of success stories we now hear daily, the number of businesses mimicking each other or offering slight variations of similar products, we’re able to realise that there is plenty for the taking. Take a look specifically at technology for example, the amount of social networks there are, bidding sites, dating sites, apps, games, the list goes on. No, they’re not all as well known or as high profile as each other, but the sheer number shows there is room for recognition or riches for anyone with an idea, drive and perseverance. The problem occurs when you believe results in life are in limited supply, this is the moment when something odd starts to happen.

 

It seems that when we see lack instead of abundance, by default we begin basing a majority of our decisions on fear. A fear of failure, missed opportunities, wasted efforts, the poor house. And sometimes it works, it gets the job done, but the issue is this: sustained fear is unhealthy, toxic even. Fear that unless you are in the boardroom you haven’t truly made it, fear that people will overlook you because you have children, are not sexy or smart enough, will keep you exactly where you’ve always been mentally, never mind the strides you might be making in the outside world. By using fear and competition as your guidance system, you run the risk of losing touch with your own, real and authentic inner compass for fulfilment and happiness.

 

Believe it of not, there is a simple remedy for this. Screw what you hear, what society uses as its marker of affluence and success. What is it that makes you feel successful and satisfied? What are your terms and conditions on your road to achievement? When you understand that as a woman, as a person, you are inherently enough, you will steadily begin realising that you have the ability to create the exact circumstances required in order to fulfil your goals. They are dependant on no one else.

 

It’s about being your best, not being better than someone else

Most people are familiar with the thinking that you get what you focus on in life.  There has been many a book written on the law of attraction, on matching your mindset and energetic frequency to what you desire in life. If you’re new to this, I urge you, explore it.

 

If you’re already a believer, keep this in mind and think about what happens when you’re constantly concerned with being bigger, better, faster than someone else. Focusing on competition, from a place of fear and not growth, means all you’re going to do is perpetually create more and more competition in your life. Beat one contender and before you have time to enjoy your victory, you’re looking around to see what’s next.

 

So, how do you know if you’re focusing from a place of fear or a place of growth? Here’s a thought, why don’t you ask yourself? Slow down, stop to consciously ask yourself the question. Are you fighting against something or gunning for something? Are you trying to beat ‘ the man’ to the top or, are you trying to be the woman at the top? The two are different. Take some time to think about the people of this world who have done great things, and think about the competition they had. Think Howard Hughes, the Wright Brothers, Rosalind Franklin, Helen Greiner, Admiral Grace Murray Hopper, Stephanie Kwolek. If they had needed opposition or external competition in order to realise their every potential, how different might their results have been? Where would we all be now?

 

When you live in the fear that achievement is only possible if someone else doesn’t get there first or outdo you, there is a dis-service being done to your innate ability to do and be your best, no matter what. So, the next time you have your eyes set on a goal, acknowledge the others in your field, keep them in your peripheral vision, but be more inspired by your internal driving force. Be your best first and the best second. Your success depends on no one but you and you contain all the motivation you need.