The challenge of asking and receiving in relationships

A lot of us are taught from a young age that we have to work for the things we want, that we have to work hard to reap the rewards we desire. In the same vein, we’re taught that if we don’t ask, we don’t get. And so, we come to understand that working hard is just one aspect of receiving, and that sometimes we also need to simply state our requirements.

So why is it, that when it comes to relationships, we have adopted the belief about hard work so spectacularly well – devastatingly so, and failed miserably at the part where we ask for what we want?

‘Relationships are hard work’

There are common phrases that will always abound, such as ‘relationships are hard work… marriage is hard work… love is hard work.’ I’m here to set a record straight for anyone who might assume that as a relationship expert, I might agree with this. I don’t. When you’re doing it right, relationships are smart work. It’s when we forget ourselves, forget our worth, our values, that it becomes hard work. The idea that you must work strenuously to achieve the sort of relationship you desire is missing the point entirely. If the set up is correct, meaning that if you have come at it from a place of high consciousness, awareness and emotional health, the focus will be on relationship maintenance. This is because you have done, or are doing, the hard work already, as individuals.

This is what is hard work

The hard work is in challenging why you still believe that love will only come to you if you bleed for it, if you work at being less than you are, less intimidating, less wealthy, less needy, less smart, less independent. The hard work is in establishing why receiving from a loved one, from the universe, from yourself, is something you even need to wrestle with.

Question; how hard have you made yourself work, do you make yourself work, in order to deserve your own love? Will you love yourself more at a particular weight, with a particular education, house, car? If these are the terms that you must live by, then of course convincing someone else to love you is going to be even tougher.


Ask, and ye shall receive

Excuse the catholic upbringing, but now as a student of the universe, I see that it really is that simple. In relationships, we have learned that asking means we are needy, desperate, pushy, unlady-like. In love we have learned that asking means we are putting pressure on lovers, that we are rejecting what has been offered, graced upon us, and that we are proving ourselves to be the spoiled, wanting-too-much-woman a man has always tried to avoid.

We believe that to make ourselves worth it, deserving of things, we need to make ourselves better, always and in all ways. We must make sure our hair and nails are always on point, we must be the correct physical proportions, the right level of vulnerable, so that we are able to handle our own bills, home, career… but not so well that we are threatening.

And so when the desired relationship eludes us, we focus on the best hints, the best tips, tricks, disguises offered to get it. Very few of us, are able to simply stand still and ask the question of a lover ‘Will you give me…?‘

So how about this?

If you’re someone who has issues with receiving, think about what you are happy to receive and then question why it is easier to accept this, than the other things you really want. Question what your heart most desires from love and how many times you have directly asked for it. Question when you have bitten your tongue, or changed your choices. Why is it that you are blocked in this way – and what have you done to change?


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