I know a woman who didn’t want the man she was with. She was barely home, their sex life was non-existent and any semblance of relationship growth was dead. Well and truly.
They stayed together quite simply, because it was convenient. Mostly for her. When he finally left however, she was devastated. Immediately she sunk into mourning. She grieved her version of the relationship, one which was unfortunately, a complete fantasy. Victim mode switched itself on and to this day, she is barely able to be civil (or adult) during the briefest of conversations with him. And he is one of the good guys.
I use this story merely to illustrate how it’s sometimes irrelevant why or how you break up with a partner. Whether you consider yourself a shocked victim, or you know that an ending was inevitable – if you do not remain grounded then a breakup can and will tear you apart.
So you know, I generally don’t advocate getting over heartbreak. I’m more from the school of walking straight through the fire, with your heart open and eager to learn. Because for any sort of growth and a chance of moving on, there are certain questions that must be asked.
And if you can’t answer them honestly, if you can’t step outside of woe is me, jealousy, or rage, long enough for it to be of real value, then just don’t bother pretending you want to heal.
These questions are perhaps more applicable to those of you who did not want your relationship to end, or end in the way that it did.
Questions for yourself…
What did you do to contribute to the demise of your relationship?
What didn’t you do to contribute to the two of you staying together?
What did you allow that you shouldn’t have?
What did you miss, that could have created a better/earlier/quicker outcome?
What did you take for granted?
What was left unsaid, within the relationship, by you both?
What did you say too much?
What you need to make time to understand…
What sort of relationship did you think you had?
What relationship did you actually have?
What will you do differently next time?
What you need to acknowledge…
What did your ex need from the relationship?
What do you think he did wrong, according to you?
What did he never say?
What did he say, that you didn’t hear?
What hurts the most?
You get over the demise of a relationship by getting under the skin of what happened and being strong enough, compassionate enough, open enough, to wade through both sides of it.
You get through it by diving in and not forgetting to come up for air.
So many people, forget to come up for air and end up drowning in the pain.
Your ex doesn’t have to be present to give you answers to questions, or help you to work through this. There are many exercises you can do that eradicate that dependency part of your healing. When you’re ready and you’re willing, you’ll find them.